upfront
The 9 Stages of the Sales
This is an agreement made by A Woman Participating In the January Sales ______( hereafter referred to as The Shopper)...
THE COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT
1PreParation The Shopper spends the week before scanning her favourite websites. She spots an incredible leather jacket she cannot live without. Her inner voice( which is actually her mother) says,‘
Don’ t get that— it’ ll be on sale’. She will check on progress of said jacket daily, to find it’ s reduced, but only in lime green and a Size 12.
2GoinG to War
The Shopper decides to join the front line— the malls on 26th Jan. Her alarm goes off at 6am, she scrapes her hair into an‘ I mean business’ ponytail, puts on sensible shoes, packs her survival kit( credit cards, granola bars, water), and begins the pilgrimage to the stores.
3Sell-out The Shopper needs to find a bargain. In a panic, she grabs a sparkly jumpsuit, a bikini and heels totally unsuitable for walking— but everything is under `3,000, so it’ s totally okay.
Sale SWeatS
4 Her puffy jacket was perfect for the seven-degree weather outside, but inside a busy Zara it feels like she’ s entering menopause. Her coat is definitely too big for her handbag, but she needs both her arms. After accidentally dropping it on the floor, she sees a woman casually trying it on at a nearby mirror, then walking towards the payment till.
5 FiGht
The Shopper makes a beeline for a gorgeous, chunky knit on the‘ under `1,000’ rail. So does another woman. The
Shopper says,‘ Guess we’ ll have to fight for it, then’. Both laugh, but a gentle pull turns into an all-out tug-of-war, and the knit sweater rips. The Shopper still considers buying it.
6SizinG it uP
The changing rooms are closed due to‘ overcrowding’ and all the shop floor mirrors are blocked by women layering leather dresses over turtleneck sweaters. In desperation, The Shopper resorts to a hand mirror. That bodycon mini is definitely going to fit.
7Math
The Shopper will ask herself,‘ Would you buy this if it wasn’ t on sale?’ as she reviews her basket. The answer is‘ No’. In a panic, she ditches half of it on the shelf of stockings and lint brushes they keep near the tills to tempt you, then tries to pay for the rest with a paper voucher left over from last year. The shop assistant scowls and points to a sign:‘ Cash only’. Sh * t.
8the Wait The Shopper joins the queue, laden with wide-legged trousers, a multi-coloured coat(‘ good with black’) and a pair of velvet platforms in the wrong size. After 30 minutes and no movement, The Shopper will be advised by a sales assistant to pay upstairs as there’ s‘ No queue’. This turns out to be a massive lie.
9returnS
In the cold light of day, The Shopper realises the multi-coloured coat is unlikely to leave back of her wardrobe. Ditto the velvet platforms. She decides to return the majority of her purchases. The Shopper will head to the store and become distracted by stock she didn’ t see yesterday. She will the repeat stages 5 to 9. n
Signed( the Shopper)
By: JOSIE COPSON
34 COSMOPOLITAN jAnuARy 2017 FOR MORE GREAT STORIES, VISIT cOSMO. In